JBD

Scene – Present day, Saturday, late evening, interior. A nicely-furnished living room in a large home in the upscale suburb of Chappaqua, New York.

The crash and tinkle of fine china splits the calm of the near-midnight quiet. A slurred, arguably female voice rises in disbelief and rage. The voice belongs to the slightly spiflocated Former First Lady of the United States

FFLOUS, holding up a printed e-mail: “That rat bastard! He’s losing it! He’s now down 4 among registered voters in Gallup! Can you believe it Bill?!?

Former President of the United States: “Now dear, I feel your pain, but…”

FFLOUS, angrily cutting him off and flinging the paper over her shoulder: “Aw, shitcan the sympathy act, Bubba! You’re just as much to blame as anybody! “
(Mockingly low-voiced parody of the FPOTUS):‘I’ll talk to Obama, honey, he’ll listen to me, just like Arafat did.’
"Christ on a popsicle stick, Bill, Obama made you wait in the lobby! So much for the persuasive powers of the former ‘first black president!’”

FPOTUS: “Now, honey, you know I never encouraged anybody to call me that. Toni Morrison was deep into one of her famous Hennessey and Sprite benders when she wrote that.”

FFLOUS: “I know that, you big goon – I can read an FBI file as well as anybody. But you guaranteed me way back last June that I would head a Clinton-Obama ticket, as long as I didn’t go negative on him. Well, I didn’t, at least not until it was too late, and I still almost pulled it off. Nice work, Mr. Political Savvy!”

FPOTUS: “Well how in the hell was I supposed to know he would do as well as he did? And with all the money you spent…”

FFLOUS, rounding on him, red-eyed: “Don’t you DARE lay that on me! It was that traitorous bitch Patti "$100,000 sandwich" Solis Doyle who was spending my hard earned contributions like a Senator from California!”
Straightens, regains control, takes a slurp from her sizeable tumbler of Crown Royal. ”Well, it's payback time, Barry. Looks like she’s doing the same thing to you!"

FPOTUS: “Now you see there, Hil? Don’t lose hope. He was a different guy when he came crawling back to me last week.”
He snickers and leans back. “I made him wait in my lobby exactly twice as long as he made me wait.”
Goes wide eyed and ducks quickly as an elegant vase whistles past his head and shatters against the wall behind him.

FFLOUS: “What the hell difference does that make!?! He’s spending money so fast now he won’t have any left to pay off my campaign debts!
A slurp and a twitching backhand wipe across her mouth: "Three goddam million blown on that stadium deal alone. Who does he think he is, Billy Freaking Graham? At least Billy always came away with more  money than he started with. Now THERE was a guy who could fill a stadium! And did FatAss Al Gore say a word about the gawdaful carbon footprint of that fiasco? Noooo, he's too busy polishing his frickin' Nobel!"

FPOTUS: “Aw, shucks honey, I can earn that back and lots more in a couple of weeks on the lecture circuit. You know Abu Dhabi wants me there to cut the ribbon on their new building”
Does a Gomer Pyle voice “Why that’s half a mil right there, easy as pie. Gollll-eee!”
He gets serious again under her withering state. “OK, the point is I got Obama to agree to everything we asked for before the convention – the ambassadorship to Sweden for me,  SecDef for you, and Lieberman’s nuts in a poke sack by Valentine’s day. "

"All I gotta do is make a few appearances on the campaign in the next 7 weeks. And don’t sweat those polls so much – we’ll turn it around, just like we did in ’92.

FFLOUS, grousing: “But HE’s going to be the President, not me! We had the Unbeatable Historic Dream Ticket!
Stops, looks up, almost whispering at first, then building to a feral roar: "We were in the right place, at the right time, with a huge tailwind courtesy of Chimpy McHitlerburton, and a cripple sourpuss repeat of the Dole campaign as an opponent. But nooooo, Mr. ‘Big Ears means big penis’ couldn’t wait his turn, had to go all messiah on us! And what was with all those fainting women at his rallies!  I’ve never been so ashamed to own a vagina in all my life!  Now he can't even handle that chillbilly brood sow from Mooseville! I'd have that backwoods bimbo in tears in 10 seconds! Mr. 'brilliant orator' calls her a pig!
Tips the tumbler nearly vertical then pulls down with a snarl: "Maricella!” (calling for the Puerto Rican maid). “What do I have to do to get a reuben sandwich and a refill around here? Judas priest, why in hell did we pardon all those friends of yours for anyway.

Maricella, peeking out from behind the amoire where she was sheltering: “Si, Signora Cleenton, muy pronto!”

FFLOUS, mumbling: “Goddam illegals. Practically useless. McCain can have ‘em all. I’ll take a good old Arkansas darky any day of the week.”

FPOTUS: “Hillary! I’m shocked! Is that any way to refer to our African American countrymen?”

FFLOUS, suddenly pie-eyed, chastened & starting to weep. “I’m sorry, Bill, really, I didn’t mean it. It’s my Chicago upbringing coming out. I’m just sick about all this, and it’s not fair, and I hate everybody!”

Sobbing hard now, poking her chest and stamping her foot. ”It was MY TURN. I waited my turn, Bill. I gave up my shit-hot DC job for you. I helped take Nixon down, and then I walked away and bet everything I had on you! I took it all, for years – the pig humpers and slackjaws in Arkansas, the bimbos, the right-wingnuts making fun of my legs – Christ, if I hear the term ‘cankles’ just one more time, I’m going O.J. on somebody! Not to mention the endless crap I get from Carville and Morris and Panetta and Begala and Stephanopoulos- that pindick runt! He was nothing  but a prettyboy wannabe when I found him, and I taught him everything he knows! And then at the first sign of trouble he has the gall to walk away and act all righteous and sophisticated on TV every Sunday. Mr. Network Haircut Boy!

Sob and slurp. “And let’s not forget Monica, huhn, Bill? You think getting me in the Senate squared you on that ? No way, asshole. Our deal was the White House, or I spill my guts to Judith Regan!”

FPOTUS: “Now honey, you know I’ll make good for you. Win or lose, Obama’s finished. If he wins, you know he’ll be the worst President since Carter. You can hang on to SecDef as long as you like, then resign in disgust at just the right moment to challenge him in 2012. He’ll be so screwed up and worthless nobody will give him a dime, and he’ll have to think up some kind of family crisis or disease or something, just like old Johnny Edwards did, so he could do an LBJ and bail out.

Rising now, FPOTUS walks over and embraces her: “And if he loses now, he’s in the same place, only sooner. With all the money he’s blown, and with the whole “historic first black nominee” thing a lost opportunity, you can swoop on in and say ‘I told you so!’ and the whole coalition will fall back into line, and 2012, here you come. Hell, we’ll find you a female VP to take on this new girl. Maybe even an African American. How’s that sound?”

FFLOTUS, unconvinced but resigned: “Well, I guess it’s all still possible. But I don’t want to be as old as McCain when I finally get there.

FPOTUS: “Just 4 short years, I promise. Now look, here’s your sandwich and fresh drink. Gracias, Maricella!”

Maricella, setting down the tray, coquettishly: ”De nada, Senor Presidente!” Exits quickly after hearing the ice rattle in FFLOTUS’ empty drink.

FPOTUS: “There now, isn’t this great. Hey, Saturday Night Live is on. Look, they got Tina Fey as Palin. Oh yeah, this’ll be good, they’ll get her but good. Look what they did to Al Gore. And look, it’s…”
Stops abruptly, gets up quickly, but it’s already too late.

FFLOTUS looks up, sees Amy Poehler doing her Hillary Clinton impression, and hears her say “cankles”. She picks up the jar of Grey Poupon from her tray and with a snarl, viciously heaves it at the 50” Sony HD display, which shatters spectacularly in a spray of sparks, glass and mustard.

FPOTUS, timidly coming out of a protective curl: “Shit, that’s the 4th one this year.”

Posted by: JBD at 09:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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